A ton of jokes

This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  mat wannell 9 years, 11 months ago.

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really mad

    She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday

    An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

    The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

    Two guys go on a fishing trip.

    They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

    They spend a fortune.

    The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

    The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

    It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

    As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

    The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

    A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room.

    He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

    The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

    The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

    The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

    Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”

    The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

    The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

    Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”

    A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

    “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

    The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”

    Signs That You are Too Drunk

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Your job is interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth.. – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You fall off the floor..

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is.. uh..’

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in..

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and Women.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    I’m as sober as a judge.

    The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

    You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

    A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

    So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, “Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

    The blonde starts laughing again. “Why R U laughing again!” She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

    “Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

    “Well, the blonde says, “When you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

    After delivering a speech at an elementary school, President Bush let the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”

    Just as President Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.

    “Where were we?” says Bush. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”

    Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?!!”

    A quiet man was sitting at a sports bar minding his own business when all of a sudden a big dude comes in and — W!! — Knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

    The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the bar stool again when all of a sudden — W!! — The big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

    So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned.

    Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!!” — Knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!!

    The little guy looks at the waitress and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a SLUGGER from LOUISVILLE.

    A lady named Sally visited the zoo. She saw a pink gorilla. Next to the cage was a sign that said, “Do Not Touch! DANGEROUS!” She wanted to see what the gorilla felt like, so she looked both ways and made sure the coast was clear.

    Then she reached in and touched the gorilla. She heard someone coming, and quickly withdrew her hand and kept walking. That night after she had eaten dinner, she was resting in her purple recliner watching the news. A warning flashed across the TV. “Warning, Pink Gorilla escapes from zoo. If found, please call the zoo.”

    Immediately Sally knew the gorilla was after her. Then she heard a Bang! Bang! Bang! on her front door. She got up, looked through the peep hole and saw the pink gorilla. She ran through the house, out the back door and into the garage. She jumped into her red Mercedes and drove as fast as she could. The pink gorilla saw her leave and jumped into his green Ford truck and chased after her.

    Sally looked through her rearview mirror and saw the gorilla quickly gaining speed. Soon he pulled up next to her. Sally jerked on the emergency break, jumped out of the car and started running. As she was running she saw that she was approaching the edge of a cliff. She stopped not sure what to do. She spun around and saw the pink gorilla lumbering after her… getting closer and CLOSER.

    The gorilla approached her, Sally threw up her arms to protect herself… the gorilla reached out HIS hairy pink hand and touched Sally’s head. Shaking a bit, Sally began to relax and slowly lowered her hands looking puzzled at the gorilla. The gorilla gave a little evil smirk and said, “Tag, you’re it!!!” and he dashed off.

    A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

    The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit. The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

    A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

    “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it.”

    The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

    Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road!

    Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

    The man was astonished! He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

    The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

    It said:

    “Hair Spray – Restores Life to Dead Hair – Adds Permanent Wave.”

    Knock Knock.

    Who’s there?


    Moo who?

    Well, make up your mind. Are you a cow or an owl?!!

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

    To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

    The Russians use a pencil.

    One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word “tragedy.”

    “Well,” one girl replied, “If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!”

    The President smiled at the little girl and said, “No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone else give it a try?”

    A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, “I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!”

    The President shook his head and said, “No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn’t anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?”

    A small girl raised her hand and said, “Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!”

    “Very good,” he said. “And what was your reason for that answer?”

    “Well,” she said, “It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!”

    A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

    St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

    “Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

    “That’s Mother Teresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

    “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

    St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

    “Where’s Hillary’s clock?” asked the man.

    “Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan!”

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

    They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

    Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”

    “Very good,” said the teacher.

    Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

    “Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467” he said.

    “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

    “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

    “Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

    “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

    They all said, “This tastes like POOP!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!”

    Things to Say if Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

    5. The blood bank mentioned this might happen.

    4. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

    3. Unbelievable; I thought that cold medicine said DAYTIME!

    2. Whew! Guess I left the top off that liquid paper.


    A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG Lakers fan.

    She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Lakers fans too.

    Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they’re Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, named Josh.

    The teacher looks at Josh and says, “Josh, you’re not a Lakers fan?”

    He says, “Nope. I’m a Sacramento Kings fan!” She says, “Well, why are you a Sacramento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?”

    Josh says, “Well, my mom is a Sacramento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacramento Kings fan, so I’m a Sacramento Kings fan.”

    The teacher’s not real happy, so she says, “Well, if your mom’s an idiot and your dads an idiot, then what would you be?!”

    Josh says, “Then I’d be a Lakers fan!”


    S t e p h



    mat wannell

    U r a god! The fuuniest jokes EVER!!!

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